Okay, I recently had a friend of mine give a most excellent post about how to talk to people who have infertility problems.
I agree with her completely, and I know where she is coming from. I sometimes have a tendency to forget that I had/have issues in this area. I would like to add that I will answer questions if you ask them. I have no problems with that. I would rather be talked with than talked about.
Some of the following are just my thoughts and for my own clarification. It sometimes helps me to put something in writing to see it clearly.
Right now I am completely confused. Curt and I have been talking/fasting/praying to see whether this ablation/partial hysterectomy is the route we should take. I kept telling him that maybe this is something we don't get a choice about and so we should just come to terms with the fact that we can't have more children. After all, we had settled for just 2 kids instead of the 5 we originally planned on before we had Hayden. We feel alright/calm/peaceful about the surgery and the path that we have to take. We will be happy with what we are given and instead of focusing on what we want and don't get, we get to play and love the children we have!!!
Here was my analogy. Having another child is like taking $3 to Vegas and gambling to get $1 million dollars. The chances are very slim and everyone thinks there is no chance of it happening. Then we realized that Hayden was such a chance! How can we expect to have that happen again?
So anyway, we have put a lot of thought into this and the bleeding wasn't stopping... until yesterday. Since then, there's only a trace amount. So, here we are, ready to call the Dr and schedule me to have surgery and then I start getting better? What the Huh????
Did we make this decision and feel great about it only to find out that we didn't have to make the decision at all? Was this about building our faith in His plan?
OR
Since I am still having a lot of cramping and pain, is this the calm before the storm?
OR
Am I being given a break to get my house in order before I am forced to have the surgery?
OR
Is this just one of those things to get me to make a decision so that when the time comes, we don't have to go through all the heartache and pain?
AND
Who's to say that because I quit bleeding for now, I won't just start up again in 3 weeks? And this time they won't get it to stop or even to slow down.
I have dealt with infertility issues for the last 14 years, should I just call it "good"?
I have had an ectopic pregnancy, blighted ovum and a total of 3 D&Cs just for strange bleeding. I have technically been pregnant 6 times that we know of. I have PCOS. Who knows what else that we just didn't catch.
I think one indicator of "being done" is that I just don't have the baby-hungry feelings anymore. I just found out one of my friends is expecting and didn't have the "oh, I want one." thought/feeling that I used to have. I see baby clothes and think of who I can get them for. I LOVE to hold others' babies, and am happy to give advice. I can't wait for Hayden to get potty-trained. I can't wait to clean out the storage closet of all my baby clothes and maternity clothes; and give them to my friends and those who need them! I get a full nights sleep and have for a while now. I won't have periods or any kind of bleeding anymore. I will keep my ovaries, so I will still have the whole hormonal thing, but won't need hormone therapy later on.
What I will miss is the whole being pregnant thing. I love feeling those little kicks from inside. I know I might be weird, but I LOVED nursing my kids. I still have my kids climb in bed with me in the middle of the night, so I won't be missing out on that. (Yep, even the 11 yr old still climbs in bed with me in the morning, he's the snuggliest one, but don't tell him I said that.) I will miss the baby smell, but I can still get that from other babies. I will probably be taking others' babies to hold as often as I can, but at the same time, still holding my own closer.
I sure hope to figure this all out soon.
Crazy Life and Lovin' it!
13 years ago
4 comments:
Those are great thoughts you are having. It sounds to me like you've got it figured out.
I hope for you the very best!
I am waiting to hear that you are well and without pain.
You are in my prayers.
I wish I had some powerful, deep meaning, or inspirational comment for you.Just know you are loved and that he has a plan.
Good luck, Shel. This is one of those hard decisions that we must face in life...unfortunately, your decision is harder than most. We'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
I came across your blog as a friend of a friend, and I just wanted to say that because you have PCOS you might want to consider a total hysterectomy. I also dealt with a number of infertility issues, PCOS being one of them, and I finally choose to get a partial hysterectomy last year. But the cysts just came faster and stronger. I ended up having to have my ovaries taken out a few months later. My prayers will be with you in making and going through with your decision. Best of luck to you. (It sounds to me like you are emotionally ready to handle it!)
If you have any questions about my experiance or want to talk, my e-mail address is cathydean6@gmail.com (on the other hand I know I'm a total stanger so if this freaks you out, just ignore it :})
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